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Previous Entry This is SO not what I'm supposed to be doing right now. Apr. 6th, 2005 @ 06:25 pm Next Entry
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From:guardianmars
Date:April 12th, 2005 10:30 pm (UTC)

re: "Aftermath"

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I love this.

I don't read a lot of FMA fics, but from what I've heard, people seem to blatently ignore the age factor and the guilt/angst issues Roy would very obviously have over them. I think you've handled those very well. Roy is prime for angst, and you've served it up quite nicely.

I love the fact that you see the same thing I do: The fact that when Hughes tells Roy to get married, he's not necessarily meaning it the way he says it-- that there's some secondary meaning to it. I see it as him harassing Roy about Ed-- Hughes knows things. *laughs* He knows Ed is bad for him, dangerous, even. I like the way you presented that particular piece of canon, though, as well.

The way you handled Ed's reaction to Roy's angst is superb. It's very befitting to his character.

My only real complaint is this one line, that doesn't read well to me:
Roy lay still, his head resting on his forearm and cocked slightly to watch the rise and fall of Ed's flat, smooth, masculine chest

It feels like there are too many adjectives here. Masculine is the one I would get rid of, only because, to me, that reads as "Manly", and Ed is still just a teenager (which was the whole point of this fic. ^^;) I guess I understand that it's in reference to Roy's sexual preference, but...*shrugs* Thought I'd make a mention of it, anyway.
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From:lykomancer
Date:April 13th, 2005 03:00 am (UTC)

Re: "Aftermath"

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Roy would very obviously have over them. I think you've handled those very well. Roy is prime for angst, and you've served it up quite nicely.

Thank you! I tried really hard; I don't have a very strong Roy!muse in my head, so writing him sometimes it hard. It was based off of my own observations about age and sex.

The fact that when Hughes tells Roy to get married, he's not necessarily meaning it the way he says it-- that there's some secondary meaning to it.

Roy is married to his career, but I think it would still look bad to others that he's not married or seriously committed by his age; I think Hughes had all SORTS of alterior motives, 'cause that's just so...Hughes! ^_^

Masculine is the one I would get rid of, only because, to me, that reads as "Manly", and Ed is still just a teenager... I guess I understand that it's in reference to Roy's sexual preference, but...

Yes, that's what it was intended as, but I suppose I could have been more subtle about it. Thank you for pointing out stuff like that. Constructive critque is always appreciated!
From:guardianmars
Date:April 13th, 2005 05:06 am (UTC)

Re: "Aftermath"

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Thank you! I tried really hard; I don't have a very strong Roy!muse in my head, so writing him sometimes it hard.

Oh, I know how that goes. I'll want to write about something, but I'll only be good at writing one of the two characters so one of them feels off to me, or something like that.

Roy is married to his career

Ha! So true. XD

but I think it would still look bad to others that he's not married or seriously committed by his age

*nod* I think that's a lot of why all the flirting and going out with girls. That and "Oh. I really wanted to see that play, and she had a ticket, so...." He just doesn't seem particularly interested...

I think Hughes had all SORTS of alterior motives, 'cause that's just so...Hughes! ^_^

Yes. Yes it is. XD
*loves on Hughes*

Yes, that's what it was intended as, but I suppose I could have been more subtle about it. Thank you for pointing out stuff like that. Constructive critque is always appreciated!

I figured.
And you're welcome. I'm not very good at really explaining why I don't like certain lines, so I'm not extremely good. I'll just be like "Oh. I ...uh...don't like that line. It sounds funny." I'm better at pointing out things like "You forgot a period here. Use a comma over there." Stuff like that. >.
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